February 16, 2016 – the due date of my “angel” baby…Now, I will preface this post with the fact that I know a lot, a lot of women go through at least one miscarriage. Statistically, at least 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. By the way, stop reading this post if you are early pregnant! No point in reading and worrying! I will also preface this post by saying that I realize there are many people who go through way harder things than miscarriage – the list is too many and I cry thinking of even typing them. Life can just suck sometimes and I thank my dear God that He holds us in His hands during those sucky times.
Isaiah 41:10 – Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
This post is in no way to make anyone feel sorry for me, or console me, yadi-yadi, because I am “over it” and VERY blessed. I have 2 amazing, as my friend calls them, “unicorn” children. Seriously makes me laugh, because they truly are unicorns. They can be naughty, but all in all, they are exceptionally brilliant (okay, yes, bragging mom), well-behaved, they sleep (insert hands in the air emoji), they are healthy (praise Jesus), and overall, they are just so fun and lovely. They are seriously the loves of my life on top of Jesus and the hubs…I could not ask for more fun little guys – I mean, just look at those nuggets in the pic below. So, please, if you think I’m asking for sympathy, then read no further. I love the life God gave me and has blessed me with, but wanted to share my story in hopes to at least make everyone a little more aware! Or if I can make just one reader feel like they aren’t in it alone, then it’s a win!
SO, as I talk to my friends about my miscarriage, I realize it’s not a thing that’s often talked about. It seems almost like an embarrassment. You feel like a failure in some weird way, like it was your fault that you couldn’t sustain the life of a baby. You feel helpless. Your happiness turns into hurt. You feel overwhelmingly sad. Your excitement turns into exhaustion. And most of all worried – why did this happen? What did I do? Will it happen again? Can I have a healthy baby again? etc. etc. The questions running through your brain abound.
My miscarriage was in between my two boys. We wanted to have our kiddos close in age (approximately 2 years apart), so we tried and got pregnant very quickly, and our perfect plan was seemingly in place. We got pregnant with our first, Jackson, very easily, with zero concern. I was the least worried mother ever, not even thinking I could have an unhealthy pregnancy. So, when I got pregnant with number 2, I had the same thought. I’m a super healthy individual who already had a healthy baby. We were on the path to baby number 2!
Oddly enough, and it sounds terrible to even say, hubs didn’t come with me to the first sonogram of baby number 2, as he had something important at work that he couldn’t miss. We were thinking all is well, easy first 8-week check up. Little did I know, sitting in that room all alone (okay, the stenographer was there), that my sweet little baby had a slower heart beat than normal. Tears. And they roll down my cheeks as I type this. So far removed, yet still so fresh in my mind.
Wow, didn’t realize typing this would be so hard.
Talked to the doctor and he said with this slow heart beat, the baby would likely miscarry any day, so I can wait and let it happen naturally or take the pill. Well, I was not about to rid myself of a baby that God could do a miracle on. So, we waited. And waited – it felt like forever, but it was only a week. Went back in for another sonogram and the heart had indeed stopped, but I had yet to miscarry the baby. The doctor recommended to take the “pill” to help my body realize that it needed to rid itself of the baby instead of a full on D&C. Sometimes bodies can carry babies for up to 3 weeks after the heart has stopped. This terrified me. I felt like waiting it out would make this whole process and sadness drag on and be much harder, so I did the pill. Not sure if it was the right thing to do, but nonetheless, that’s what we decided.
I apologize if this is morbid. But, it’s life, and I have an angel baby in heaven because of it.
The whole process was a process. I’ll leave it at that. It was emotionally and physically draining. It was hard. It was sad. And then it was over. And we got a fresh start.
Lamentations 3:22-23 – Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
If you’ve never been through this, I pray you never have to. If you have, I’m right there with you! And more importantly, God knows the plans he has for us.
Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
If you wonder what to say to that person going through something like this, as with anything hard and sucky, just pray for them, tell them you love them, and make them brownies. I was blessed to have family and friends love on me and empathize with me during this time. Because, even though it wasn’t THAT big of a deal in the grand scheme of life, it sure felt like it in the moment.
I was and am still thankful for every bit of love and support I got during this time. Hubs was awesome in loving on me and taking care of Jack when I was just sad and needed to cry in the shower. My mom bought me a keepsake that I will keep forever in memory of the little babe. Friends and family brought food and brownies. I seriously felt very loved! This is what someone needs during this time. Some people think miscarriages are just miscarriages and don’t really affect a mommy; but they do. It did me, anyways. Granted, I am a cryer and an emotional nut case, but that’s beside the point – ha!
Well, that’s my story. We got pregnant 6 months later with my little guy, Colly-bear, aka Collin. I cannot imagine my life without that sweet little smile (below). So, the answer to the above question – will I be able to have a healthy baby again – is YES! At least in my case. I assume maybe some cases the answer may be no, but God-willing I was able to have another little gu-guy. And on a side note, hope to have another one in the near future as well! God has his reasons and his purposes for everything in life. His timing is perfect. His plans are perfect. As much as I want to take over and “help” Him with his plans for my life, I also rest and have peace in the fact that He’s got it. I need not worry. He’s got this! Hand your life over to Him – it’s powerful!